Racism in the AM

"They're always tryin' to Jew me out of money and you may be too!" croaked the old bat with whom I had been speaking on the phone for about 10 minutes. I opted not to ask her to repeat herself.

Rosemary was her name, and verbal hospitality wasn't her game. I had to talk to her for work. The weird part is, we were trying to give her money. Exactly.

I should explain for those Blahglievers who don't know, I work for an oil and natural gas company. Rosemary owns interest under a piece of land with which we're dealing, so she's got money coming her way. I guess I too would be skeptical if some adorable sounding guy called me up and said he had money for me, but I don't think anti-Semitism would be my go-to move. I might just hang up and leave the country.

"I ain't signin' nothin'"

"Ma'am, you do realize we're not requesting, but offering money, right?"

"I don't want that dirty money, you can keep it! And you can stop all this callin' here too!"

I was as puzzled by her backhanded embezzlement accusation as by her presumption that this one phone call had multiplied into many. But this was a piece of business that needed to get solved for our company, so bravely, I hung up. And ate a donut. Because it was just after 8 in the morning. At least I only had 7.5 remaining hours at work to dwell on my professional failure and personal insecurity.

Have a wonderful, insult-free day Blahglievers.

Orangutans have feelings too: a phone transctipt

Tux Rental Lady: "Oh you know your tux sizes already?"

Me: "Yeah, I got measured recently for another wedding, can I read them to you over the phone?  The nearest [name removed by censors] store is like 45 minutes away."

TRL: "Oh sure, that'd be great.  Go ahead."

Me: [reads measurements]

TRL: [pauses] "Are you sure about those measurements?"

Me: "Pretty sure, how come?"

TRL: "Well if those are your arm and torso measurements and such... are you sure about those numbers?"

Me: "What's the problem?"

TRL: "Well those measurements are for the body type of like an orangutan.  Maybe you should go into one of our stores to get remeasured."

Admittedly, I had been pretty colloquial with her all conversation, somehow trying to get this tux for free, so I guess she felt comfortable throwing primate insults.  And I didn't get the tux for free.

I hate the phone. I hate stopping what I'm doing and devoting attention to a person who, in all likelihood, I don't want to talk to. I hate not being able to choose the time and place of an incoming call. If you've ever called me, you know I don't answer. It came to my attention today how rage-inducing it is when I call someone and they don't answer. The only reason I called you was to talk to you and that's the one thing I can't do. The cognitive dissonance has gotten the best of me and I've decided to change my ways.* I will try to have my phone on me more often and answer it when it rings. A few key rules apply:

1. No message, no call back. If you don't take the energy and time to leave me a message, the thing you wanted to talk about is obviously not important enough to warrant a call-back from me. And calling twice isn't the same as leaving a message.

2. I don't say "bye." Neither does anyone on Entourage. Don't be offended, it makes me feel cool and fast-paced.

3. Don't doddle. Know what you want to say before you call me. Even practice it a time or two in the mirror. Don't call just to say 'hi', I'd rather chew glass.

4. Instigator assumes responsibility. If we get cut off, it is the duty of the original caller to redial so conversation can commence. If I miss a call from you and call you back, you are still the original caller so the burden is yours.

Following these rules will likely lead to effective and productive and expedient phone interactions. 325.513.1498 - keep me accountable.

Transition

I'm contemplating a name change. Perhaps to "whi'tin whiz dumb." "Blahg" is tired and predictable.




* I reserve the right to not change my ways if it turns out to be too difficult