Gross Grammar

"MySpace Turns Over 90,000 Names of Registered Sex Offenders"

MySpace provided two state attorneys general the names of 90,000 registered sex offenders it had banned from its site in response to a subpoena.

Yeah, I was just as shocked as you.  I didn't know the plural was said, "attorneys general."  Crazy. 

Gym Rats, a transcript

At 24 hour fitness center yesterday evening.  Predictable cast present: aerobi-glider spandex senior woman; short shorts on the treadmill doctor; muscle-head, shaved-arm, watch themselves in the mirror dudes; hasn't started working out yet but stretches a lot and watches himself in the mirror guy.  Me.

Shaved-Arm Dude: "Hey man, is that move you're doing for your post-anterior deltoid?"

Luke: [pulls out earphone right at the good part Enrique Iglesias' Do You Know (the Ping Pong Song)] "I'm sorry"

S.A.D.: "Does that work the post-anterior deltoid?" [points to inside of his shoulder and moves arm in circle while obviously flexing entire body for effect]

L: "um...yes?"

S.A.D.: [in a used car salesman kind of way] "Ha, yeah I thought so.  It's workin' for you bro.  You've got some squibbly shoulders."

L: "um...yes?"

 

If it is bragging to be publishing the fact that I have 'squibbly' shoulders, then I'm sorry.  But I think I might have been out-vocabularied by shaved-arm dude, and that's nothing to brag about. 

Like the teeth of a shark

I want to treat this information sensitively, because humans disappearing is sensitive stuff. Some of the faithful Blahglievers have journeyed with me through the valley of the shadow of the University of Phoenix for quite some time now. Friends, we've been flanked.
I can't say I was ready for the cavalry. I thought I had my hands full with the infantry. Then, when I least expect it, Jenine transforms into Holly. That's right, people, my case has been reassigned. Like she knows me, this "Holly" bird leaves me a voicemail yesterday claiming to be my admissions representative. How dare she? Has she any idea of the relationship Jenine and I had formed? Has she any idea of the strength of my resolve to never speak with her?

Joking aside, I might actually miss Jenine. I had grown accustomed to her voice. She was the one bit of humanity in an otherwise technological and robotic world. Jenine, wherever you are, I hope you never forget the battle that was prematurely ended between us. I hope you remember the patience and perseverance with which you pursued me; the endless perseverance. Cheers. And to you Holly, buckle up. You've only strengthened my resolve to never answer your calls. From now on, I fight in memory of Jenine, my first telecommunications stalker. There's something special about the first; I'll never forget you Jenine.

The Cellular Theater is not over

Man, before I knew it, a month had passed and I hadn't published. Since last press date, a thousand things have happened, but one stands out: the 1 missed call from Jenine. It was almost comforting to listen to her message after a nearly 2 month silence. So all is not quiet on the cellular front; the battle of wills rages on. A la muerte Jenine!!

Awesome

From the Times yesterday:

Game Over: Sudoku Spoils a Trial in Australia

By Mike Nizza

Say what you will about the performance of the airline industry — it was first to identify a threat in sudoku.

In one of the first major signs that the game had grown into a phenomenon, British Airways told its 13,000-strong force of flight attendants in 2006 that they were forbidden to play sudoku during takeoffs and landings.

Two years later, the number puzzle, which has its own section on NYTimes.com, has succeeded in spoiling a federal criminal case in Australia, wasting almost $1 million in the process. Judge Peter Zahra made the decision to abort the trial and discharge the jury after the forewoman admitted to a prodigious amount of puzzle solving during the proceedings, according to The Sydney Morning Herald:

She said four or five jurors had brought in the sudoku sheets and photocopied them to play during the trial and then compare their results during meal breaks.

She admitted to having spent more than half of her time in court playing the game.

http://thelede.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/06/10/game-over-sudoku-spoils-a-trial-in-australia/index.html?partner=rssnyt&emc=rss

Good grief

A Gym Designed to Cater to Christians

By KATIE ZEZIMA

The Lord’s Gym in Clermont, Fla., offers classes including “Yogod,” its take on yoga, and “Chariots of Fire,” a spinning class.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/06/us/06gym.html?partner=rssnyt&emc=rss

Whoa

Ok I realize I'm behind the times, but how nuts are these things?!

It's all sum-antic

I don't think I've said the word "ambulance" in 6 months. I just used it in conversation and I botched it. My old ways of thinking took over and I said something that sounded like "am-blee-ence." Crap. This isn't the first word I've slaughtered. I still have to pause in conversation before I say "certificate" or it comes out "cer-tick-a-fit" every time.
It makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one. My buddy Jig says "ver-ner-bull." It's "vulnerable", Jig. "Vulnerable."

Dress how you drive

As I'm zombie-standing at the copy machine a minute ago, 3/4 of the way to mental Neverland, I catch a glimpse of my attire...Grey khakis, olive/green/brown polo, earth shoes, brown leather belt, black fleece vest...what if I were a car?...holy crap I'm a '70s Land Rover...not even a restored one. I may sit under a car port at night, but I live on the savanna. I have detachable doors and a soft roof. Recently in a fender-bender. Here's me in automotive form:



And in reality:I realize it's a rough comparison. Go with it. I really thought I was on to something earlier.

Have you ever...

...been riding your bike in the middle of a crack and prostitute neighborhood* with 5 other college students and gotten pulled over by a cop last night? I wish he would have given me a sobriety test; would have made for a better story.

Current Reading
Fancies Versus Fads
by G.K. Chesterton

* cop's words, not mine

The Bermuda Pull Up Bar

True or False:
1. The Bermuda Triangle is portable.
2. An event horizon can be stepped through.
3. Laws of gravity and friction can cease to exist in a given space provided that said space contains the conditions of questions 1 and 2.

Answers:
1. True.
2. True.
3. Been there. True.

Imagine a place where friction isn't welcome, regular laws of gravity are broken, and most of your dreams come true. I live in that place.

The pull up bar in the doorway. That's the place. Hang and swing, I dare you. The apex of your swing will NEVER CHANGE. Don't pump your body at all; if you can hold on, you will swing forever. An uncountably large number of people have tested it a limitless number of times. Confirmed every time. I submit to you what I submitted to Science Magazine: empirical proof. You be the judge.

Miracle Monday

It was a miracle and I just saw it.

A while ago I was a primary witness to a first degree crappy parker.

Just a second ago, as I was walking across campus, another poor parker pulled up to THE SAME PARKING SPOT. I slowed my pace nearly to a stop to count 12 ATTEMPTS, including one stall out and restart. I salute you, 1994esque Ford Ranger, for putting up with this yahoo driver of yours.

1 Unheard Message sent Monday March 3rd at 8:45am

"Hi Luke this is Jenine Richardson again from the University of Phoenix. I've been trying to reach you now for several months and the reason why I'm still trying to reach you is because I haven't received a call back, but you do still have a file open with us because at one time you were interested in possibly getting into a masters program. Luke I know at this point you may have gone another direction you may not want this degree anymore, and I am in no way trying to bug you but because you do still have a file open I'm not really sure where you stand at this point so if you could please give me a quick call back when you get this message I would really appreciate it. If you have gone another direction or no longer want this I can update your file for you that way you're not getting voice mails or emails for something you don't want to do. However if you do have any interest in still getting a degree or looking into what a masters degree could provide for you I can help you there as well. You can reach me toll free at 1-800-366-9699 my extension is 73461. You can also reach me directly at 602-387-3461. Luke I'm really looking forward to speaking with you I hope you're having a great day and I will talk to you soon. Thanks."

Later Days Latter Days

The Latter Day Saints are fighting an uphill battle if they want me on their team.


Yesterday I'm outside my front door getting on my bike to ride to campus. On the lawn, rolling down the slight incline toward the street. Looking down, settling my feet on the peddles.

Quick movement in my peripheral, at my 2 o'clock.
Loud shout!
Glance up in shock.
Endo through the bushes, down the incline, into the street. Legs and arms tangled in bike.
Shock.
Disbelief.
Lying on back.
3 fellas in suits running toward me.

"I'm so sorry sir!! We saw you riding there and were just gonna hollar to scare you!! Are you ok?!"

Silence.
Disbelief.

"Sir, are you ok? I'm really sorry!! We didn't mean to send you head-over-heels into the street!! Oh man I'm so sorry!!"

We all look down to my ankle and see this:



Instead of telling me about a Savior who bled for me, These 3 Latter Day Saints made me bleed. I don't want to be on your team Elder David, or Elder Mark, or Elder too shy to pronounce your name in an audible way. Sheesh.

200 Seconds

Check your clock right now. Wait three minutes and twenty seconds. It took that amount of time(no less) for the driver of a 2002esque Ford Mustang to parallel park outside the office window this morning. I a.) watched the whole thing and b.) timed it. Perhaps it was the visible timidity with which he approached the parking space that queued me to start the timer. Or perhaps it was the years of witnessing poor parallel parking.
He must have made a half dozen passes. At second 190, I was sure he would forsake the idea and find another spot. You proved me wrong mister poor-but-persistent-parallel-parker.*

Transition

In light of the opinion that some of you have voiced (that due to my recent reading material the bitterness in my personality has indeed become palatable), my current reading should be a welcome (temporary) respite:

Current Reading
Reverence: Renewing a Forgotten Virtue
by Paul Woodruff

*This story was in no way embroidered or embellished. I actually stood and watched this fellow for 3 plus minutes.

An American Werewolf in Powell

I work out in the Powell Fitness Center on ACU's campus. Yesterday the most phenomenal thing happened. Here's the stage direction:

Act I

Scene I

(A sparsely populated Powell. Mid-afternoon.
Luke sits down on the rowing machine
to warm-up for 'back and shoulders' day.
He notices Elliptical Girl behind him
and the pair of guys staring at themselves
in the wall of mirrors.)

Luke

(softly, to himself)
What in the...?

(Luke notices the fifth person in the gym:
Werewolf Guy. He's alone.)

Mirror Starer 1

(To Mirror Starer 2, observing his own biceps.)
Yeah, man I know!! It was SICK!!

(Luke tries not to acknowledge this unnaturally
loud conversation obviously intended
to catch the attention of Elliptical Girl.)

Luke

(under his breath, slightly shaking his head in disgust)
Shut the...

(Werewolf Guy stands after
stretching on the floor for 3 minutes.)

Werewolf Guy

CHOO!! HIYAAA!!!

(He yells and chops and kicks the air around him,
swiftly and forcefully. He stares ahead, looking into
another dimension. Loud sound of a clap.
Luke looks up at the sound which is
werewolf guy stomping on the ground.
Luke slows his pace on the rowing machine.)

(Yelling out loud but to himself)
YOU CAN DO IT!!!! YAAA!!

(Luke ends his warm up and walks
to the water fountain. He walks past a
still-jumping Werewolf guy. Luke drinks.
7 swallows. 8 swallows. He turns to leave
the fountain and stops.
Werewolf guy removes his shirt,
making it immediately clear why his name
is Werewolf Guy.)

Luke

What are you doin', man?

Werewolf Guy

(Quick, sporadic hops and floor-punching movements)
I...flip.

Luke

Do you know how to...? A back flip?!
(Reluctantly)
Do you...want me to spot you?

Werewolf Guy

Yes. Here.

(Elliptical Girl and two Mirror Starers
take notice. Luke places his left hand
at the small of Werewolf Guy's forest of a back.
His right hand on the Werewolf's leg,
ready to spot. 45 seconds pass.)

Luke

(Sheepishly)
You gonna do it?

Werewolf Guy

(Breathing hard)
No. No flip.




As much as I love touching the extraordinarily hairy back of a stranger, I was glad when he said I could go. I used a whole bar of soap to wash my hands. I'm glad you now know, Community. Have an excellent day...don't go to Powell.